Okay i've hit a metaphorical brick wall. As well as being a small amount of stress away from actually hitting my head off a wall.
I'm well into my second year of university now and it's made me think - do I even want to be doing this as a career?
I don't know if I want to pursue journalism anymore and can't think of anything that I want to start up when I finish my degree. I'm literally just carrying on my degree now because otherwise it has been a complete waste of money and unnecessary debt. So many of my family have high expectations of me now and i'm not okay with the idea of letting them down.
I'll carry it on. I'm trying my best and I will get my degree. Besides I really want to throw my cap in the air and shout "thank God that's over!"
On the same topic of university - I'm stuck on what I want to do with my living arrangements next year.
Do I stay at home?
It's the cheaper option definitely. It means I get to see my family so I don't get FOMO (fear of missing out), I can be comfortable in a clean environment and I also get to see my Hartlepool friends.
Although - i'm sick of getting up sooooo early to get to uni when if I lived in Sunderland i'd just be down the road. That's important especially when it's the year of my dissertation and i'm going to be spending lots of time crying in a library. I would also get my independence back and be able to see my Sunderland friends more. I guess I could learn to cope with uncleanliness again?
My friends in Hartlepool have their own lives and I don't really have a 'friendship circle' anymore since they're all working, have partners and at uni. Then there's just me on the side lines with the occasional bitching in an inbox and offering plans that are near always declined.
Everyone has a life now apart from me...
Oh my God - I'm Bridget Jones.
But moving away means a year later I need to come back. And i'd be coming back with all furniture from a double bedroom, en suite and kitchen - to a box bedroom, since my sister would get the bigger room from me moving away. I ain't up for that Harry Potter life.
And I definitely won't be staying at uni to do a masters since I haven't a monkeys what i'm doing with myself.
This leads me onto the "what next?" phase which is currently hurting my brain to think about.
When I leave uni and am stuck at home - what then?
I need money.
I was considering just getting a full-time job in whatever is going and save up plenty. Since i'm getting driving lessons and hopefully passing my tests by 2018 - I can put my money towards that. But then I want to move out!
What do I choose? I can put my money to lessons and driving - but not get a car and just have a license to be proud of and save to move out? Or I get a car and pay the extortionate insurance etc - and live at home, continue to feel stressed and still 15 years old.
Even if I considered moving out and just having a license - moving out and finding a house costs sooooo damn much! But I really do want my own space.
I'm really having a meltdown and I feel like no one is actually listening when I tell them and they think i'm just having a moan. I'M NOT!
Everyone knows what they want to do(or have some idea), and most have an income and are working when they can. Honestly if I had a job that took up my time I wouldn't be able to do any uni work and would probably cry - a lot.
Majority of my friends are now all loved up. They're all moved in with partners and starting to move on with life and I am sat completely left out and spend my nights with Gossip Girl and shorthand revision.
Basically guys I just needed a rant. I'm stressed and I need a good cry and someone to sit and tell me what I'm going to do with my life. I can't do this independent thinking crap.
I'm almost 20 and I need a plan!!
Off to find a comfy pillow to cry into now - bye.
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