Approaching the adult decisions

The only way I can think of clearing my head lately is to write. So are you ready for another rant post? 

Okay i've hit a metaphorical brick wall. As well as being a small amount of stress away from actually hitting my head off a wall.


I'm well into my second year of university now and it's made me think - do I even want to be doing this as a career?
I don't know if I want to pursue journalism anymore and can't think of anything that I want to start up when I finish my degree. I'm literally just carrying on my degree now because otherwise it has been a complete waste of money and unnecessary debt. So many of my family have high expectations of me now and i'm not okay with the idea of letting them down.
I'll carry it on. I'm trying my best and I will get my degree. Besides I really want to throw my cap in the air and shout "thank God that's over!"

On the same topic of university - I'm stuck on what I want to do with my living arrangements next year.
Do I stay at home? 
It's the cheaper option definitely. It means I get to see my family so I don't get FOMO (fear of missing out), I can be comfortable in a clean environment and I also get to see my Hartlepool friends. 
Although - i'm sick of getting up sooooo early to get to uni when if I lived in Sunderland i'd just be down the road. That's important especially when it's the year of my dissertation and i'm going to be spending lots of time crying in a library. I would also get my independence back and be able to see my Sunderland friends more. I guess I could learn to cope with uncleanliness again? 
My friends in Hartlepool have their own lives and I don't really have a 'friendship circle' anymore since they're all working, have partners and at uni. Then there's just me on the side lines with the occasional bitching in an inbox and offering plans that are near always declined. 

Everyone has a life now apart from me...

Oh my God - I'm Bridget Jones.

But moving away means a year later I need to come back. And i'd be coming back with all furniture from a double bedroom, en suite and kitchen - to a box bedroom, since my sister would get the bigger room from me moving away. I ain't up for that Harry Potter life.
And I definitely won't be staying at uni to do a masters since I haven't a monkeys what i'm doing with myself.

This leads me onto the "what next?" phase which is currently hurting my brain to think about.
When I leave uni and am stuck at home - what then?
I need money.

I was considering just getting a full-time job in whatever is going and save up plenty. Since i'm getting driving lessons and hopefully passing my tests by 2018 - I can put my money towards that. But then I want to move out!
What do I choose? I can put my money to lessons and driving - but not get a car and just have a license to be proud of and save to move out? Or I get a car and pay the extortionate insurance etc - and live at home, continue to feel stressed and still 15 years old.

Even if I considered moving out and just having a license - moving out and finding a house costs sooooo damn much! But I really do want my own space.

I'm really having a meltdown and I feel like no one is actually listening when I tell them and they think i'm just having a moan. I'M NOT!

Everyone knows what they want to do(or have some idea), and most have an income and are working when they can. Honestly if I had a job that took up my time I wouldn't be able to do any uni work and would probably cry - a lot. 
Majority of my friends are now all loved up. They're all moved in with partners and starting to move on with life and I am sat completely left out and spend my nights with Gossip Girl and shorthand revision.

Basically guys I just needed a rant. I'm stressed and I need a good cry and someone to sit and tell me what I'm going to do with my life. I can't do this independent thinking crap.

I'm almost 20 and I need a plan!!

Off to find a comfy pillow to cry into now - bye.

Welcome a new Amie

I came up with this post when I was laid in the bath and over thinking about my life. I was laid thinking "what am I actually doing for me?"

I stopped my YouTube channel and put my videos on private because I couldn't stand the thought that people were watching them to mock me. And I knew names of people that were.
I write (when I can) for Vlogger Gossip but that's still not for me.
I'm going to University to do a journalism degree - but I'm not even sure if I want to do journalism after I graduate. 

The only thing I have left that I let go of - is my blog. So I've returned.

I've redesigned my blog to not what I think people like to look at - but what I like to look at. Since it should be based around the writer not the audience. I'm not getting paid for this! So I hope that you guys like the new layout but if you don't - sorry but I'm not really bothered anymore!

p.s This post is going to be a long one, so go and grab a cuppa if you want to keep reading without getting bored.

Anyway...
I'm sat with a tab open on Chrome ready to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas - since it's November so I'm allowed to do such a thing. But oddly the title The Nightmare Before Christmas is starting to sound like a description of my life right now. 

I thought I'd give you nosy lot an insider into my life so you can have a laugh or you can relate to me if the same crap is happening to you. Also it's kind of like a diary entry for me to look back on next year and laugh at myself for being so naive. 

What's actually happened this year to make me reconsider everything? Well lets start with the nitty gritty (literally)...

I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend in May. Although this never really hurt me doing it - it seems like lately he's only just realised that I actually did break up with him and i'm not going back there. So i've had hell rain down on me and been called every name under the sun by said 'ex'. I laugh that off, because I know it's all bull. If I'm that much of a bad person pal - why did you sit outside my house in your car? Or make a 'work' instagram to contact me to unblock you? Lol go away.
I could go into the deep depths of why I did what I did and why he's such a tool - but I'm not going to give him or his mates the satisfaction. But hey lads if you're reading! Thanks for the view!

Enough with that disaster - here's another.

I thought I liked a lad. Yes that seems normal but with being in a 4 year relationship and then being able to speak to who I want again - it's pretty terrifying! I was very naive and pushed it away for a long time and never pictured myself liking anyone for a while. Yes I took the Bridget Jones idea of being a strong independent woman. But my stupid heart wanted to do otherwise. (p.s - remind self to always go with the brain over heart next time).
So yeah I thought I liked a lad, I thought he liked me too. Turned out he was the type of lad that you see all the Tumblr posts about and vow never to let yourself to be intrigued by them - oops!
This week (i'll explain why shortly) has been a huge eye opener and I've realised that "if you don't want to be in my life, then go, because I don't need you". I've turned back to my mother's stubbornness - Hi mam!
So that chapter is over, lets just rip it out the book, burn it and pretend that small period of my year did not take place. 

Another thing I discovered this year (& if the shoe fits, you can sure as hell tie up them laces) is that the whole idea of needing both parents to have a good life - is a load of crap. Apart from my Dad *grimace*, buying me and my sister Justin Bieber tickets, that's all we've had or heard of him for a year. Literally a year on the 2nd of December. And we've just found out it's going to be at least another year before he considers coming to see his kids. I mean i'd understand if we were bad kids - but we aren't. But I guess we aren't bad kids because our mam has given us the best up bringing we could have asked for and out of all the dark moments over the past 6 years - she has been our shining star. Love you mammy.
As for the other one, with my stubbornness that has set in, if he thinks he can show up November 2017 after 2 years of not seeing us: it will be a case of 'sorry but I'm not allowed to speak to strangers'.

SO.... After the rant of many men letting me down this year. What's actually been good?

Well this year I was blessed with finding who my true friends are. 
I have many little circles of friends in different places - but one of them circles is who I count as my sisters.
Zhiyin, Vicky and Tyler - hey lasses! But shout out to the girls who give me support in anything and back up my corner no matter the argument. 
Tyler is my little gem especially. It's funny that we weren't close at all in school and it was all just a smile in the corridors. But now she's my best friend. The type of best friend that tags you in every relevant post on Facebook to make you laugh. The type of best friend who throws plans at you and never lets you down. She also blessed me with asking me to be a god-mother to her beautiful little girl Harley (who I consider myself to be the baby Daddy anyway...). So shout out to my girls, my Tyler and little Harley *inserts heart emoji*.

Also shout out to Flat 90 (You know who you are), you're my homies and I look forward to driving you all mad with my cleaning again next summer. I can't wait to sit with Lauren late at night talking crap and watching strange videos - you know what I mean Gilbey! Miss you sister!

Of course this year I travelled a lot. To Benidorm to Turkey which I'm so grateful for both experiences and I loved them both. It's made me more confident that I want to go travelling (even if I get such travel sickness on planes!) 

Oh, and I seen Justin Bieber again! Oh MY WORD he was outstanding as always. After 3.5 years of seeing him for Believe Tour in Manchester, I got the chance to see him for Purpose Tour in Sheffield. Almost two weeks ago now and i'm still not over it - I don't think I ever will be. If I could afford tickets to other shows of he's I'd definitely be flying all over to see his pretty face again.

The point of this post?
Well done if you made it this far. The point is - i'm no longer taking crap off anyone. I'm entering the 'bitch' faze of my life, if you will. But i'm also returning to my blog. But it's not going to be about what my 'routines' are, because of uni I no longer have any routines. I use the same moisturiser and I paint my nails with whatever colour I find close to where i'm sat.

I hope you're ready for posts about my hangovers, about how big of a melt down i'm having over University and which person has annoyed me each week.

Bye guys, love yas x